Thursday, January 14, 2010

Missed Opportunity

One of my regular email contacts has just sent me a report from a Scottish Newspaper. It reads thus;

Top this for a speeding ticket'.

Two British traffic control officers for North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers, using a hand held radar device to check the speeds of vehicles approaching over the crest of a hill was surprised to see the speed recorded at 300 mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. The radar device had in fact locked onto a NATO Tornado fighter over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low flying exercise over the Borders district.
Back at Police HQ, the Chief Constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison Officer. Back came the reply "Thank you for your message, which enables us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked onto your 'hostile radio equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore the Sidewinder air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully armed fighter aircraft had also locked onto the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot responded to the missile status intelligently, and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched."

I suppose your reaction to this story might depend on your own speeding points status.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Was it the end of the month, and the police were looking to get their quota?

exiati said...

Great spoof - but it is a spoof story. I know, I write a lot of them!

smstomp said...

Just to follow on from 'my friend' - it's a spoof for several reasons, one being that sidewinder missiles are heat (infra-red) directed missiles - they lock onto heat signatures; and are air-to-air missiles (meaning they target other aircraft and not ground targets) - however, and this is not a spoof, a Harrier accidently fired off a sidewinder on taking off from a base in the Falklands, the sidewinder found a target which happened to be (from memory) a landrover with at least one soldier aboard - the outcome was not good for said at least one soldier or landrover or the pilot (who had to carry the mind-load of what happened) ...

Your spoof story Glyn reminds me of another spoof involving a social intercourse between a large American super-carrier (probably Nimitz class) and a lighthouse crew. More specifically, the commanding officer of the carrier and a lighthouseman. The carrier commander wanted the lighthouse (not knowing it was a lighthouse) to yield to the carrier ...

Glyn Davies said...

Oh how disappointing it is to know too much - this was a really good story until you ruined it!

stratu said...

Glyn> sorry Glyn, it's the "scientist in me", but it's a great spoof story so don't fret. The way to spot a spoof in in the details - as they say, "the devil is in the details".

Anonymous said...

glyn ive read that youre a fan of dan brown books. is he your email correspondent.

dolall said...

Anon (Fri Jan 15, 12:07:00 AM):->
No I'm not Dan Brown, but I do write spoof stories for a few "clients" - just don't mention CIA, NSA, DARPA, SAIC and other 'choice' government agencies. Btw, there will be a quiet few days (but Iran is still working on its orbital platform and dear old Russia is still trying for a reliable 'third generation' nuke delivery system that does not produce spiral fireworks for the amusement of Norwegians in 'up north' Norway) and later we will be back on "No Data for Sunboy"; there's a 'lazy gun' waiting to go off. All will become 'clearish' - maybe, not sure, perhaps not. The best kind of spoof is one that actually comes true ... sort of, maybe, not sure. Bit like a cross between the X-Files, Eureka and Chuck (from the first series).

DB said...

check out my latest work, the drama-thriller The Lost Symbol based in Washington, DC. There's a symbol not mentioned, it's buried under DC's latest monument - except that it's not in DC - can any of my fans (Glyn Davies maybe) work out which monument I am talking about?

PS - that Angels & Demons (film) was a definite spoof for several reasons, one being that anti-matter can't be made so quickly, and secondly the amount made by the LHC (in the movie adaptation of my book) would require a LOT more energy and time than figured in the movie. So it was a story based on a false premise - but hey, my fans loved it while my critics 'do go on' hated it.

penlan said...

I'm not sure if it's a spoof but I heard it as a newspaper item read out on Radio 4's News Quiz at least ten years ago.

So there may be some truth in it,albeit now lost in the mists of time.

alanindyfed said...

Is this story linked to the last year's report that 77% of the people of Berwick would like the town to be returned to Scotland?

Atlanta or Atalanta said...

Alan on Mars> OK, while we r on awful spoofs, please be advised ... a second "Sunday No Data" message. Since the last (also the first) "Sunday No Data" warning/spoof: Biden's mother died (on or about the same Sunday) and we all know what happened when no seismic event data for Haiti on Sunday preceded a seismic event on Haiti. Since "Sunday No Data" has gone from one death (Biden's mum) to circa. 100,000 (from 10^0 to 10^5 deaths in the news in the space of a week) and "Sunday No Data" warming/spoof sprung forth yesterday (so speaks to the week from Jan/17/2010 to Jan 24/2101. All Defcon -(j^2) can say is: run for them their hills. From 10^0 to 10^5 to 10^10? … if it really is a linear progression, some ten thousand million? The Earth's population is about 68% of that figure, so hmmmm, what is present in such a high number, which is not human? An INVASION of the non-terrestrial kind? Don't think so as it's not a parameter we can measure (since we can measure seismic events, but can't measure non-earth populations), so what is it? Spoof or truth - we will know by Sunday January 24, 2010. ‘Hold onto your hats’; ‘start your engines’; ‘begin an orderly evacuation’; ‘Fire all weapons’ (from Flash Gordon movie, the one with Queen’s music); some anthrax spores to be released on a subway system? Sunday No Data – second occurrence thereof.
PS, Biden’s mum was probably a Met Office ‘anomaly’, therefore we are not talking 10^10 deaths human deaths – so good news, but actually bad news since 10^10 human deaths on the same day is an impossibility, it means Biden’s mother isn’t the ‘base-line’, so now we are looking at 10^5+ - a sufficiently large number that everyone will hear about it. So not an airliner disaster, not even a large passenger cruise ship, but another ‘natural’ disaster or someone playing with a ‘lazy gun’ – a weapon capable of enormous destruction – it destroys whatever it is aimed at – even a planet isn’t safe – it can call up a worm-hole so large that it could swallow our sun, what would a small worm hole do (say a mile across) a mile under our feet? A few miles under Haiti? Swallow up maybe a cubic mile of rock causing a massive seismic disturbance. Gentleman, we might be looking for someone with a lazy gun – only a few in existence. There was no seismic warning (i.e., data) prior to the Haiti earthquake – what would the point be to firing a lazy gun at Haiti? But if it was fired at Haiti it must have been pointing down at Haiti – so was some distance above the ground – a high altitude aircraft … or … no, can’t be – has Iran found/purchased a lazy weapon and deployed it on an orbital platform? A lazy weapon/gun means what it says, a lazy way of destroying whatever it is you point at, perhaps this lazy gun has a discount button – say, select 0.1 get 10% destruction of the target aimed at; 0.2 get 20%. If so, looks like the lazy gun setting was set at some value less than 1 (less than 100%). Spoof or truth - let the results decide.

DEFCON -J^2 ... maybe said...

The sin visited on Nikola Tesla will generate an appropriate mechanical and electrical response. *message ends*
LHI I'm just a messenger - nothing more, no special powers - y me? I don't know.
LHII Off the top of my head, but has 'anyone' checked if Iran has an EMP 'civilian' device?
LHIII Spoof or juice? Judge based on results.

lityn said...

OK, as this thread is on spoof territory, here's another 2 cents:

The Google-China is a set-piece. Meaning, Google dropping www.google.cn to leave google.com (uncensored version of google china ... i.e., google.cn) will automatically lead to China blocking google.com thereby giving Obama's White House the option of imposing tariffs on a range of Chinese goods (those products that irk American unions). China faced with a trade war will either have to save face and keep on blocking Google.com or respond to what it will see as "US provocation" and jail (i.e., kidnap) a few high level American business people on trumped up charges of XYZ. Then UK jumps aboard along with Germany ... and vola, China (the 'one' that refuses to side with the west over Iran) is faced with a serious test of its foreign policy, military posture (In re Taiwan), and sea-territory disagreements with Japan - what China sees as an American friend.

The above is a brief summary of a report ‘within the Guild’. “Guild” being a code name for a secret group (within the “Guild”).

Spoof or juice? Let the results be the judge.

Liassic said...

Obvious spoof - http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp